Knocking on heaven's door
Returning home after a 3 month hiatus, vacation, foray into semi-retirement, I'm taking a short, 47 mile, trip to visit my, 10 years, younger brother who's knocking on heavens door.
How appropriate; a chilling spring rain for a visit to say good-bye.
After arriving in Florida we received an email informing us that my brother was indeed dying. I wrote a note of goodbye to my brother saying farewell; not knowing if he would still be among the living when I returned. He is and now I'm making a visit for a face to face.
(Good morning brother,
I hope this missive finds you still here in our earthly sphere!
After Diane read me your email last night I knew I had to recognize the elephant in the room. Even after Julie's phone call last week , I continued to delude myself; believing that you would pull another rabbit out of the hat like you've done before. You quit drugs and booze, beat hep-c, and put your life back together.
If I'm good at anything, it's ignoring unpleasant realities, usually 'til it's too late. Julie does know your dying and she tried to get me to accept the fact when she recalled her visit with you and Trish.
Wishing it weren't so is no longer an option. Being a selfish son-of-a-bitch, I've never been good at feeling love. You, on the other hand, are a compassionate and loving soul. You have been since I've known you. And that's a long long time.
Jeffrey, I wish for you peace of mind and comfort as you hurry to the front of the check-out line. I love you as much as I'm capable of loving anyone, and I'm going to miss you.
You're a bright and shining star in my life, and if there is an afterlife, I know you'll find it and be a star there too; entertaining the multitudes. Be sure to tell the story of Lim and the sigmoidoscope shit storm!! LOL ;-)
I believe we'll meet again, until we do I'll keep you memory in my heart.
I love you brother,
We have been best friends for all of his life. We both view death from the same perspective; death is a part of life. He chose to forgo the suffering of chemo and radiation for the comfort care option. So, he bought his ticket and he's just waiting for the train.
We don't know when the train will arrive; days, weeks, or maybe months, who knows? The body is always trying to heal itself (that's how we're programmed) even as disease eats away at your days. Death eventually will win this struggle, as it always does. I may miss his boarding the train due to being away for work, but nothing has been left unsaid. Still, I'll miss him and our long talks and reminiscences.
So on this dismal day when the earth is beginning it's annual rebirth I'll say farewell to Jeff in the Autumn of his life as he knocks on heavens door.
April is national poetry writing month.
Death lurks patiently;
Waiting for the train.