0% chance of dying

On the "news" this week I saw a piece that said studies have shown that a person drinking one cup of coffee a day reduces their chance of dying by 13%. And if said person drinks 3 cups of coffee, their chance of dying is reduced by 18%.

Doing some extrapolation from "scientific" research I've seen published, I've come to the conclusion that if I drink 3 cups of coffee a day, imbibe 2 glasses of red wine, exercise for 30minutes a day, wear sunblock, establish a large social network, and meditate every morning after sleeping 7 1/2 hours I'll live forever.