approval seeking

 

I'm a writer.  I'm a writer because I write.  The question is, why do I write?   For approval, that's why I write.  Seeking approval is a life-long habit for me, and that is a long time.   Now, seeking approval is something most, if not all, of us do.  But when it becomes an obsessive and over-riding motivation for EVERYthing you do. then maybe, just maybe, it can be a problem.

Not to delve into the psychological root of my problem too deeply, let me just say that I never felt that I lived up to my parents' expectations.  They parented by the doctrine; it's best to criticize and point out a child's failures as a method to change and or improve behavior.  In contrast, however, my pseudo-grandparents (my father's aunt and uncle) were of the opposite opinion.  I say this only to show that my life/childhood was not devoid of love, affection, and approval.  But somewhere along the way I nurtured this feeling that I wasn't good enough; at anything. I was the proverbial wimpy kid.

A common comment on most, if not all, of my elementary school report cards was, "Bobby is not working up to his potential."  To be honest, ability notwithstanding, I didn't work very hard, academically, throughout my 13 years of formal education.

Not applying myself academically and, therefore, not getting positive/supportive recognition was a self-fulfilling situation.  I did, however, apply myself 100% to athletics, & music (singing.)  

Returning from the war in Viet Nam with 2 purple hearts incentivized me to attend institutions of higher learning and graduated valedictorian of both my nursing school class and Nurse anesthesia school class.

Because of my successes on the athletic field, performing stage, and career I became addicted to approval from others.  Yet, still, I never feel good enough.

In 2006 I became aware of internet blogging.  Opening an account on the Blogger platform introduced me to a number of writing groups to which I was soon a regular contributor.  I even tried my hand at poetry and surprised myself at my abilities there. The members of each of these blogs were extremely supportive of each other's work. Again, I became addicted to the positive feedback from my fellow bloggers.   And, for that matter, still am to this day.   It was here that I was introduced to NaNoWriMo, national novel writing month.  I took the challenge and attempted to write a novel in one month.  I failed.  I could give you the standard reasons for not finishing but in the end, I failed.  Later I started another project; a memoir dedicated primarily to me and my great grandfather's war experiences.  Both unfinished manuscripts sit in my file cabinet untouched for 15 years or more.

When Facebook became more than a place for college kids to communicate, I jumped on board and at that point, pretty much abandoned my Blog.  Although my writing groups there were also migrating away from Blogger.  I am thankful to say that many of my writerly friends on Blogger are also friends on Facebook.

Seeking approval and positive feedback is an obsession with me, and without that fix I find myself feeling too often depressed and uninspired.

How do I break this lifelong habit of approval seeking?